Monday, September 27, 2010

One day at a time...

I ache so badly today for my sweet baby Margaret. After I delivered her I held her tenderly for only a couple of minutes. It was so difficult because she was so, so fragile and her poor body was just a mess (not just because she had been dead but because of her deformities). I remember when Ellie was born how I just hugged her tight. I never got that chance with Maggie. It's hard to squeeze and kiss a dead baby :(

Today is hard. It's not just hard to see the pregnant women and babies around me. It's hard to ever dream of getting pregnant again. I'm not sure I want to put myself through that again.

But then Jesus reminds me... He carries me ONE day at a time. One moment at a time, He pours His grace upon me. Sometimes I am such an impatient person. If you don't believe me, ask my husband :) I don't deal well when I have to wait for something.

And on days like today when I feel that everything within me is broken and hurting, I literally look up to the heavens. There is one good and stable and faithful thing in my life; it's God. He is a rock when I am weak. He is powerful when I am powerless. He is faithful when I feel so unstable.

Today I'm not thinking about whether or not I'll ever be able to choose to get pregnant again. I'm thinking about how deeply His grace runs through me when I allow myself to be open to His will and ways in my life.

I can't imagine why He chose me to walk this journey... but it's amazing to feel His constant presence. He's there. I just have to choose to acknowledge that fact.

And today - when I was planning on making myself put away my maternity clothes - I know that He is OK with me grieving again over the loss. I can put the maternity clothes away another day. Right now, I need some time to just cling to Him more.

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